“Man, I don’t know what Hannity will do without his intern.” ~ Li Knutsen, Systems Analyst
Click to embiggin
These are some helping hints for those who have a man in your life and you don’t know what to buy him.
Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.
Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ nylon rope. No one knows why.
Rule 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing wide screen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.
Rule 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.
Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.
Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?”
Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners.” Everyone knows why.
Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule 11: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
‘Don’t worry, Mother,’ said Sister Lucy. ‘You go into the supermarket and I’ll drive round the block until you come out.’
Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
‘Excuse me, officer,’ said she, ‘have you seen a nun in a red Mini?’
‘No,’ replied the policeman, ‘but these days nothing would surprise me!
- Eagle on presidential seal replaced by Tofurky™ brand meat substitute.
- New rule: anyone who beats the President in Jenga takes responsibility for Iraq.
- Use his newfound influence to get the gig he really wants: panelist on The Best Damn Sports Show Period.
- Quietly remove Dick Cheney’s tarrasque from the basement of the VP Mansion.
- Now that things have slowed down, finally get around to returning that broken tv to Circuit Cit… oh.
- Relax import restrictions to allow Cuba to send us some of their smokin’ hot Latina babes.
- Spend $14 million on a graphic designer who will update the flag by making the stars a slightly more modern shade of white.
- Lob a couple of missiles into Romania, just to let the vampires know we’re paying attention.
- Free health insurance for any American who promises to never, ever get sick.
- All scissors to be replaced with the less dangerous rounded-tip kind.
- Look into buying that America-shaped island in Dubai, just in case.
Microsoft announced it will be releasing a new edition of its operating software, called Windows 7, while Apple is working on its new OS X Snow Leopard. How will they stack up against each other?
“A fool and his money are soon elected.” ~ Will Rogers
Click to embiggin
Remember folks, if you don’t vote you have NO RIGHT to complain about your government.
Even if you’re not registered you can still vote with a provisional ballot so there really, truly, honestly is NO excuse not to vote. If you’re too lazy or apathetic to vote then STFU if you don’t like how things turn out.
Click to embiggin
David has a poll up on the Big Sky Blog anonymously asking how folks voted. Head on over there and tell it like it is.
